Anthony Sandstrom: Web Content Specialist

Published Sept. 21, 2017

View article: https://www.linkedin.com/in/anthony-sandstrom/

Note: This article was written as a humorous sidebar to an article about a high school football game. It was published with a disclaimer that it is a work of fictional satire.

Brady Sixkiller, the protagonist of our story, is a sophomore in high school who will emerge as the unwitting hero of this tale.

In a game that included otherworldly exploits of beastly athletes like South’s Marcell Barbee, Zach Cozzolino and Steve Brock, or Pueblo West’s Nieyeme Smyer-Williams, Dain Rojas and Devyn Morgan, our story focuses on Sixkiller.

And why not? His name even sounds made up, like he’s a character from a gritty Quentin Tarantino western, portrayed by Samuel L. Jackson. But, he could easily be a cliche from a bad 80s movie, like if “Friday Night Lights” was directed by John Hughes. Anthony Michael Hall probably landed the role of Brady Sixkiller.

FADE IN: A downtrodden kid named Brady. Probably bullied by mean kids. Has a crush on the pretty girl. There’s an adult in his life who’s a jerk. Imagine, all the 80s movie cliche plot points embodied by young Brady.

Brady joins the football team, probably to impress that cute girl he’s too scared to talk to. “She’ll like me if I play football,” he thinks. Plus there’s that Jerk Adult in his life. “If I play football, I’ll prove that I’m tough. He’ll see,” Brady thinks.

But Cute Girl is dating somebody else. Of course she is. It’s probably one of the stud athletes I mentioned above. I haven’t decided if the boyfriend is from South or West yet. But the boyfriend is a total jerk (sorry guys, 80s movie cliches dictate this).

At one point, Jerk Adult points out that he’d respect Brady more if he was as good an athlete as Jerk Boyfriend. You know, because Jerk Adult is looking for any reason to cut down poor Brady. Naturally.

Brady is second string on the football team. In my version, he gets no playing time at all, even though Brady does get on the field often enough in real life. Just ignore this fact, friends. We’re creating a character here. Moving on…

Brady focuses on school too much. His grades are too good. All the kids call him “nerd,” since 80s movie rules dictate you can’t be smart and also be on the football team. Jerk Adult points this out. “Quit all that reading and play football more!” he chides poor Brady.

In the middle of all this, Cute Girl starts talking to Brady in class. Turns out she likes that he’s a nerd. They bond about something academic. Let’s say they both love “Romeo and Juliet” in English class. Let’s make him really poor and her really rich, so we can get the whole Montague and Capulet starcrossed lovers subplot going on.

We get to the day of the big game. For a dumb reason, let’s say Brady made eye contact with Cute Girl in the crowd and Gruff Head Coach demotes him to third-string long snapper. None of you can deny that Monte Pinkerton can be Gruff Head Coach in an 80s movie. Even Monte knows that’s true. Again, moving on…

The game takes place just as you can remember. Brady is watching the crazy, epic game for the ages take place. You see it transpire in a montage, since there were enough big plays, plot twists and comebacks in that game to constitute a bad 80s movie montage. “Push it to the Limit” by Paul Engemann is playing to give it a maximum 80s nostalgia factor.

Inevitably, Jerk Boyfriend makes a big play. He scores a touchdown at some point. Every time he does, Brady looks to Cute Girl in the crowd, and she’s cheering her head off. Brady gets sad, and his mind isn’t on football.

Jerk Boyfriend makes a mistake at some point though. Maybe he pushes a kid from the other team after a contentious play. Cute Girl notices, and immediately falls out of love with Jerk Boyfriend. For reasons. And Brady notices her minute facial expression that suggests she’s no longer in love with Jerk Boyfriend. Again, for reasons.

Then the big moment. We’re in double overtime. Game is tied. The entire game seems unreal, like it originated in some hack screenwriter’s mind. I mean, these kinds of things don’t happen in a real life football game, right? Two kickoff returns for scores by Smyer-Williams? Nine catches and 200-plus yards with four touchdowns by Barbee. That pick six by Rojas? None of that was real. It was too scripted.

The Cyclones score a touchdown, and it’s tied up at 54-54. They are going to go for two because they don’t have a healthy long-snapper,
since Billy Bloesser, the starting long snapper, got hurt earlier.

Gruff Head Coach looks to Brady, the same Brady he dressed down pregame for, again, reasons. They’re gonna kick the extra point, all because Brady magically seemed ready. Must have been all those grumbles he made when Jerk Boyfriend had big plays.

“Get in there, kid,” Gruff Head Coach says. “Show me whatcha got.”

Brady runs onto the field. They need just one point to win.

CLOSE UP: Sixkiller gets both hands on the ball. His eyes large. The sound of the crowd fades away. Instead, all you can hear is his heartbeat.

Shot of Cute Girl in the crowd. Everybody around her is cheering, but the director drowned the sound out. You can only hear Brady’s
heartbeat.

He looks to Jerk Adult. Instead of being judgmental, you can see he’s nervous. He really believes in Brady after all.

The camera stays on Brady, even though the kicker, Frankie Nash, actually has the job of making the kick. But we don’t have time to acknowledge him.

Brady delivers the snap, and dives forward, just as he did in real life.

“I was just thinking, keep my butt down,” Sixkiller told me, “and get the ball back there. The only thing I remember was the ball leaving my fingertips and holding on to somebody’s legs.”

Kick goes up. It’s heading toward the upright. It hits the goalpost, the clank heard throughout the stadium, making everybody freeze. Everybody’s eyes get big. Even Cute Girl. Even Jerk Boyfriend and Jerk Adult.

And especially Brady.

In super slow motion, though, the kick bounces in.

It’s good.

Cue the slow motion celebration. Everybody is smiling. The ending credits song from the movie “Major League” plays. Everybody hugs Brady, knowing they misjudged him. Jerk Adult is clapping and smiling proudly. Then Cute Girl goes to Brady, gives him a hug and a huge kiss. Jerk Boyfriend looks sullen. He’d blown his chance and Brady has bested him.

Roll credits.

It all makes you ready for the inevitable sequel. I mean, these two teams are definitely meeting again in the playoffs, right? The rules of bad 80s movies guarantee it.